


A Shattered Heart

by theinsandoutsofcastiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2016-01-10
Packaged: 2018-05-12 22:16:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5682775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theinsandoutsofcastiel/pseuds/theinsandoutsofcastiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is basically Dean thinking about the reader and working himself up to confessing his feelings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Shattered Heart

Warnings: Language, angst, mentions of sex (but not a lot of detail)

A/N: This is from Dean’s POV

Fic:

Passing glances, the touch of your hand on my shoulder, your smile, your laugh, late night conversations, the time I spend alone with you; these are the things I live for, but they’re not what I dream about. No, I dream about holding you in my arms. I dream about you being the last thing I see before I go to sleep and the first thing when I wake up in the morning. As screwed up as it is, I dream about us having a life together. It wouldn’t be a normal one, sure, but it would be ours. I dream about what it would be like to touch you, kiss you, make love to you, to feel your body against mine, each of us giving in to the throws of passion. I can’t help but wonder what sounds you would make because of me, what my name would sound like falling from your lips in a moan or like a prayer; but despite everything I dream about, the thing I long for most is to hear you say you love me.

You’ve said those words to me before, but only as a friend. It’s always ‘I love you guys’ or 'You’re such a dork, and I love you for it,’ but it’s never 'I love you Dean.’ To hear you say those three little words to me and only me with just a fraction of the feelings I have for you would take my breath away. What I wouldn’t give to hear you say you love me and mean it, wholeheartedly.

Sometimes the thought of you is the only thing that can get me through the day. When I’m in the midst of danger or close to death you are the one thing that keeps me alive. You keep me fighting because I want to be there for you, to care for and protect you. If you let me, I’d make you my world, my everything. I’d stand by your side through the good and the bad; I’d devote my life to you. I know you’d hate me for even thinking this, but I’d die for you.

The worst part is you don’t even realize how I feel about you. We’re close, we always have been. Hell, you’re my best friend, and I don’t want to ruin that, but if you knew how I felt, well maybe … maybe you’d feel the same.

We’ve played a couple plenty of times, when a hunt finds it necessary. It never fails to amaze me how easily people believe us. It always makes me nervous to have my arm wrapped around you or to have your fingers interlaced with mine. It’s funny that out of all the people I’ve met, human, angel, demon, you’re the only one to ever make my heart pound at just the sight of you. Despite the nervousness you set off in me, even strangers say we’re perfect together. Even when we aren’t playing a couple, people think we’re together. You blush and play along, but when it comes down to the end of the day, when we’re alone, you laugh at their comments and brush off the idea of us. Do you have any clue how much it hurts when you do that? Maybe you’re just as nervous as I am, just as afraid to admit how you feel, but every time you laugh at the idea of us being together it tears at my very being.

If hunts where we play a couple make me nervous, hunts where Sam plays your boyfriend infuriate me. Sitting back and watching you pretend to love him drives me crazy. The way he drapes his arm over your shoulders and coaxes your arm around his waist makes me want to smack the smug looks right off his face. He knows how I feel about you and he does it on purpose.

Sam says I should just tell you how I feel, and maybe he’s right, but I just can’t help but fear the rejection. It sounds weak, I know that. I’ve been rejected plenty of times, so it shouldn’t bother me, but the idea of being rejected by you is Hell in and of itself. When I think about it though, not knowing is its own special kind of Hell.

Maybe I should tell you, right now, and end the suffering of not knowing. I don’t want to ruin our friendship, but surely you wouldn’t hate me if you knew. Even if you don’t love me, you’d understand why I feel this way about you right? You’d understand why I love you, how could I help myself? You’re everything I could ever want, could ever ask for, could ever dream about.

This is it, I’ve decided, I’m going to tell you right this second. Walking down the hall towards your room, my heart is racing. It’s almost like it’ll beat right out of my chest. My throat is tight and I’m not sure I’ll even be able to say the words, but I have to because you’re the only person to ever make me feel this way.

Your door is cracked just slightly, a dim light shining through. I reach up and push the door wider. My hands are shaking I’m so nervous. Damn, do you have any idea what you do to me? Your name is right on the tip of my tongue, but the sound dies on my lips as I see you. It’s not just you.

Your back is turned towards me as you sit on your bed, wrapped up in another man’s arms, Cas’ arms. The two of you are consumed by each other, the way I’m consumed by you. My thoughts are racing. Maybe if I had told you sooner, things would be different. Maybe Cas was curious and you’re just trying to answer his questions. Maybe this kiss was an accident. Maybe you don’t love him. Maybe somewhere deep down it’s me you love and not him. I want to shout, to demand an answer, but I can’t. All I can do is stand there, my heart shattered to a thousand pieces, my dreams torn to shreds.


End file.
